


Because that's your job

by Godziwachan



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Compartmentalization, Dean Winchester Angst, Dean Winchester Has Issues, Dean Winchester Has Self-Worth Issues, Dean Winchester Whump, Emotional Manipulation, Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, References to Depression, Self-Doubt, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-28
Updated: 2019-07-28
Packaged: 2019-09-30 14:28:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 804
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17225756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Godziwachan/pseuds/Godziwachan
Summary: Dean doesn't think he's good enough.Never has been, never will be.





	Because that's your job

**Author's Note:**

> Some dean whump to hurt you in a very specific way. This is set pretty early on, maybe even pre-series?... 
> 
> edit: Beta'd and republished

His father has always given him too much to be responsible for.

He never let Dean tell anyone how his mother died, he never let him have a normal job, never let him have his sweet apple pie, two-story house, wife and two-point-five kids, white picket fence life. Although Dean doesn't even want that life, not really. Him? With kids? No, that just doesn't sound right to Dean. Or at least that's what he tells himself, tells Sam, tells anyone who will listen. Because the truth is he has to sacrifice everything to help others and he can't let himself _want_ because it will never be something he can have. 

Because that’s his job.

One thing that Dad never had to tell Dean was to look out for Sammy. He always knew to look out for him, it was the most important responsibility he ever had. And the number of times he's screwed it up…

Sam thinks, as he has so explicitly said during arguments, that Dean is Dad's little soldier, that he doesn't treat Dean the way fathers are supposed to treat their sons. But he’s wrong. Dad cares about him, he’s proud of him because he's a good son… right? Exactly. He's not a soldier, he's just being a good son. And he always got the extra cookie because of it, metaphorical or otherwise.

Sam thinks he did it to manipulate him, to reward him for things that no one should ever have to see, let alone experience. Dad would never though… He wouldn't.

In the end though, too much responsibility inevitably leads to failure and let down, which is what he does best. He let Dad down, he let his mother down, he let Bobby down and most of all Sam. He has lied, hurt and nearly let his brother die too many times and it could only be his fault.

Dean had always wanted to be like his father, because who wouldn't? He's a hero. He saves lives and never asks anything in return except that he finds his wife’s killer.

His father is as stubborn as a mule and Dean thinks that while he certainly isn't the father of the year, he tries his best. It’s just that his best… was never really good enough. So Dean raised Sammy himself. He'd be disowned if he ever said it to Sam's face, but the kid's just like Dad. He got all his looks from him paired with the same headstrong determination, while Dean got almost all of himself from his mother. Sam though… his best is better than Dad’s best could ever be and Dean's proud of him.

They hate each other, Sammy and Dad, but they would die for one another.

Sometimes, when they fight—every time they fight—it’s like Dean's completely invisible to them. He hates seeing them fight, but they do. Like dogs, they rip into one another and don't let go. And Dean tries so hard to be the peacemaker but they don’t even look at him. Sam will be booming in that voice of his that always seems to surprise Dean and Dad will quietly growl his replies. It’s hard to get between them physically since his Dad is pretty damn strong, being an ex-marine as well as all the regular hunting, and Sam… well he’s 6’4. 

Sam had once said to Dean that it's more than likely Dean could have been taller than him had he been fawned over the way Dean had coddled Sam growing up. Dean had dismissed it; it was just genetics. Of course it was.

So getting between them is asking for a black eye, even though they never hurt each other, they would never. Sam wouldn't in fear of the consequences because little did he know he was too precious to Dad, even now when Sam towered over him. Dean was fair game though it seemed, he was old enough to know better and Sam never seemed to grasp the weight of his own hits. But that’s okay, fair enough that he shouldn't get between them. It’s fine—well, maybe not but… what is he supposed to do? Hit, push or punch them back? No.

Dad will order Sam to do something, Sam will refuse, asking why he expects Sam to just _do_ and Dad will reply with something along the lines of ‘Because that’s what a good son would do’, ‘Because I said so, Sam’ or ‘Dean does what he’s told, why don't you?’ and Sam will inevitably stop talking to him _and_ Dean.

Dean thinks to himself that he doesn’t get it because… what did he do? What has he done wrong? Why does he always get punished? Why does he—and Dad’s voice will appear in his head and say,

"Because that’s your job, Dean."

**Author's Note:**

> cri with me


End file.
